Riding Ugly: The Spider

Too low and too short. Photo: Montreal Gazette

There are lots of things to like about Vroomie Froomie, like his willingness to accept the fact that people are inclined to question his performances. Aside from me resenting him for leading a Tour which everyday becomes a little less exciting, he seems quite a likable guy; he is polite, respectful of the sport, wears team-issue bibs with his yellow jersey, his bike is only subtly yellow’d out, and he hasn’t publicly called anyone a c*nt that I’m aware of. That last point alone represents a refreshing change from last year.

When KRX10 and I worked together during the Dot-Bomb, we used to keep a miniature bike in our office, which we would use to do 6-corner time-trials around the office floor. I’m assuming someone must have made videos of those races and that they must have gone viral in Kenya, because it appears Froome modeled his position after ours on those tiny bikes.

I haven’t seen anyone ride in a position like his since Sean Kelly, except Sean always Looked Fantastic. His saddle is too low, his reach is too short, his back is too hunched, and his heels and elbows are pointed out like he’s trying to stomp on a Smurf. And, from the looks of his shoes, it appears he has been successful. I would very much appreciate it if he would sort himself out and attain a more pleasant position on the bike. I don’t care that he can make it go like a nutter; it’s an affront to my sense of aesthetics to see him hunched up like a spider humping a lightbulb.

And everyone knows that Science has proven spiders to be icky on account of having too many appendages.

frank

The founder of Velominati and curator of The Rules, Frank was born in the Dutch colonies of Minnesota. His boundless physical talents are carefully canceled out by his equally boundless enthusiasm for drinking. Coffee, beer, wine, if it’s in a container, he will enjoy it, a lot of it. He currently lives in Seattle. He loves riding in the rain and scheduling visits with the Man with the Hammer just to be reminded of the privilege it is to feel completely depleted. He holds down a technology job the description of which no-one really understands and his interests outside of Cycling and drinking are Cycling and drinking. As devoted aesthete, the only thing more important to him than riding a bike well is looking good doing it. Frank is co-author along with the other Keepers of the Cog of the popular book, The Rules, The Way of the Cycling Disciple and also writes a monthly column for the magazine, Cyclist. He is also currently working on the first follow-up to The Rules, tentatively entitled The Hardmen. Email him directly at rouleur@velominati.com.

View Comments

  • @Pedale.Forchetta Those are some stunning photos.

    I'm going to go away and cry now in the knowledge that it would only by pure chance that anything that good will ever come out of my camera.

  • Ahhhh, my cycling news live ticker has died and I cannot seem to get any live stream to open here at work!  Painful!

  • @Chris

    @Pedale.Forchetta Those are some stunning photos.

    I'm going to go away and cry now in the knowledge that it would only by pure chance that anything that good will ever come out of my camera.

    Ditto.  Incredible.

    Pedale.Forchetta, are you going to be at the Worlds this year?

  • @Buck Rogers

    Ahhhh, my cycling news live ticker has died and I cannot seem to get any live stream to open here at work! Painful!

    Everybody who is nobody* are out in the break with about a 10 minute lead. They are not being pursued with any great urgency by the peloton. It is likely to remain that way.

    *Schleck Jr wasn't informed that he now a nobody and missed the break. He is likely to be dropped at some point.

  • @Chris

    @Buck Rogers

    Ahhhh, my cycling news live ticker has died and I cannot seem to get any live stream to open here at work! Painful!

    Everybody who is nobody* are out in the break with about a 10 minute lead. They are not being pursued with any great urgency by the peloton. It is likely to remain that way.

    *Schleck Jr wasn't informed that he now a nobody and missed the break. He is likely to be dropped at some point.

    Thanks!  Cycling News ticker is working again.  I had to resort to VeloSnooze's ticker for a while and I swear that they mentioned the COTHO four times and had a video on during the 30 minutes that I watched on their website.  They're worse than Auntie Phil and Uncle Paul.  What the FUCK is it with them and their Lance-love?  Jesus, made me remember why I quit going to their site about two years ago.

  • YES!  Let's go J-Rod.  I need you in the top five, preferably 3rd, for a chance at some VSP booty, BABY!!!

  • This is fantastic. I have no reason to dislike Froome, then it dawned on me that it was his appearance that caused my scorn.  I think he looks like a preying mantis. Think about it: bug face, twiggy extremities, hunched up with crunched up arms....check, check, and check.

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