Riding Ugly: The Spider

Too low and too short. Photo: Montreal Gazette

There are lots of things to like about Vroomie Froomie, like his willingness to accept the fact that people are inclined to question his performances. Aside from me resenting him for leading a Tour which everyday becomes a little less exciting, he seems quite a likable guy; he is polite, respectful of the sport, wears team-issue bibs with his yellow jersey, his bike is only subtly yellow’d out, and he hasn’t publicly called anyone a c*nt that I’m aware of. That last point alone represents a refreshing change from last year.

When KRX10 and I worked together during the Dot-Bomb, we used to keep a miniature bike in our office, which we would use to do 6-corner time-trials around the office floor. I’m assuming someone must have made videos of those races and that they must have gone viral in Kenya, because it appears Froome modeled his position after ours on those tiny bikes.

I haven’t seen anyone ride in a position like his since Sean Kelly, except Sean always Looked Fantastic. His saddle is too low, his reach is too short, his back is too hunched, and his heels and elbows are pointed out like he’s trying to stomp on a Smurf. And, from the looks of his shoes, it appears he has been successful. I would very much appreciate it if he would sort himself out and attain a more pleasant position on the bike. I don’t care that he can make it go like a nutter; it’s an affront to my sense of aesthetics to see him hunched up like a spider humping a lightbulb.

And everyone knows that Science has proven spiders to be icky on account of having too many appendages.

frank

The founder of Velominati and curator of The Rules, Frank was born in the Dutch colonies of Minnesota. His boundless physical talents are carefully canceled out by his equally boundless enthusiasm for drinking. Coffee, beer, wine, if it’s in a container, he will enjoy it, a lot of it. He currently lives in Seattle. He loves riding in the rain and scheduling visits with the Man with the Hammer just to be reminded of the privilege it is to feel completely depleted. He holds down a technology job the description of which no-one really understands and his interests outside of Cycling and drinking are Cycling and drinking. As devoted aesthete, the only thing more important to him than riding a bike well is looking good doing it. Frank is co-author along with the other Keepers of the Cog of the popular book, The Rules, The Way of the Cycling Disciple and also writes a monthly column for the magazine, Cyclist. He is also currently working on the first follow-up to The Rules, tentatively entitled The Hardmen. Email him directly at rouleur@velominati.com.

View Comments

  • @frank

    if I remember correctly he's wearing them again today in Tour Yellow instead of his usual virgin white. Is it possible Oakley did not have them on hand?

  • @Buck Rogers

    @Chris

    @Buck Rogers

    Ahhhh, my cycling news live ticker has died and I cannot seem to get any live stream to open here at work! Painful!

    Everybody who is nobody* are out in the break with about a 10 minute lead. They are not being pursued with any great urgency by the peloton. It is likely to remain that way.

    *Schleck Jr wasn't informed that he now a nobody and missed the break. He is likely to be dropped at some point.

    Thanks! Cycling News ticker is working again. I had to resort to VeloSnooze's ticker for a while and I swear that they mentioned the COTHO four times and had a video on during the 30 minutes that I watched on their website. They're worse than Auntie Phil and Uncle Paul. What the FUCK is it with them and their Lance-love? Jesus, made me remember why I quit going to their site about two years ago.

    A while back Jeff in Petro Metro mentioned that he knew a staffer at Velo, who told him it's an editorial requirement to mention LA in every second breath. Take that as you will, second hand and old quotes etc...

  • @frank

    @Dinan

    I believe his tongue was planted firmly in cheek.

    And, he's right - you are wrong. Style is what 95% of what we're talking about. Winning is one thing; winning with class and panache is a whole level above it.

    The Prophet wouldn't have been The Prophet were it not for his combination of winning, panache, class, and style.

    You're right, Frank, style IS what we are talking about. Simple because I care about function and dismiss style doesn't mean I'm missing the point of the discussion. I'm participating but on the other side of it. I could care less about how things look and base my interest on how said thing performs.

    I'm sure lots of people on this site have a great sense of style and have their kit and bike matched perfectly. I also bet they are shit riders that talk more than they pedal. Again, to each his own.

    I just don't think telling someone they're wrong because he has differing point of view on subject is very gentlemanly. Sadly, that's a part of the internet. Everyone is tough and right hidden behind anonymity and a keyboard....

    -Dinan

  • @Dinan

    You're right, Frank, style IS what we are talking about. Simple because I care about function and dismiss style doesn't mean I'm missing the point of the discussion.

    Maybe, but you obviously miss the point of this website and more specifically exactly what a Velominatist is.

    Eg: Go onto a Womans righs forum and espuse a chauvinistic point of view. You are completely within your rights to do so, but you're gonna get flamed for it!

  • @Puffy

    @Dinan

    You're right, Frank, style IS what we are talking about. Simple because I care about function and dismiss style doesn't mean I'm missing the point of the discussion.

    Maybe, but you obviously miss the point of this website and more specifically exactly what a Velominatist is.

    Eg: Go onto a Womans righs forum and espuse a chauvinistic point of view. You are completely within your rights to do so, but you're gonna get flamed for it!

    I think you're the one that's missing the point, Puffy. I shared my opinion and was blatantly told I was wrong. I found that in bad taste and said so. Plain and simple. You're taking it and making it something else entirely.

    Perhaps you're right though. Given how much time is spent on appearance on this site, I might be better off with discussions that are more technical in nature elsewhere.

    -Dinan

  • Jesus, did everyone give up alcohol at the same time around here?  Have a drink, laugh a bit, and don't get so worked up with your "invisible friends".  There's bound to be awesome stuff to talk about tomorrow on the ITT!  I need a bourbon personally.

  • @Dinan

    @Buck Rogers

    Jesus, did everyone give up alcohol at the same time around here? Have a drink, laugh a bit, and don't get so worked up with your "invisible friends". There's bound to be awesome stuff to talk about tomorrow on the ITT! I need a bourbon personally.

    Did you just give me a green light?

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