Riding Ugly: The Spider

Too low and too short. Photo: Montreal Gazette

There are lots of things to like about Vroomie Froomie, like his willingness to accept the fact that people are inclined to question his performances. Aside from me resenting him for leading a Tour which everyday becomes a little less exciting, he seems quite a likable guy; he is polite, respectful of the sport, wears team-issue bibs with his yellow jersey, his bike is only subtly yellow’d out, and he hasn’t publicly called anyone a c*nt that I’m aware of. That last point alone represents a refreshing change from last year.

When KRX10 and I worked together during the Dot-Bomb, we used to keep a miniature bike in our office, which we would use to do 6-corner time-trials around the office floor. I’m assuming someone must have made videos of those races and that they must have gone viral in Kenya, because it appears Froome modeled his position after ours on those tiny bikes.

I haven’t seen anyone ride in a position like his since Sean Kelly, except Sean always Looked Fantastic. His saddle is too low, his reach is too short, his back is too hunched, and his heels and elbows are pointed out like he’s trying to stomp on a Smurf. And, from the looks of his shoes, it appears he has been successful. I would very much appreciate it if he would sort himself out and attain a more pleasant position on the bike. I don’t care that he can make it go like a nutter; it’s an affront to my sense of aesthetics to see him hunched up like a spider humping a lightbulb.

And everyone knows that Science has proven spiders to be icky on account of having too many appendages.

frank

The founder of Velominati and curator of The Rules, Frank was born in the Dutch colonies of Minnesota. His boundless physical talents are carefully canceled out by his equally boundless enthusiasm for drinking. Coffee, beer, wine, if it’s in a container, he will enjoy it, a lot of it. He currently lives in Seattle. He loves riding in the rain and scheduling visits with the Man with the Hammer just to be reminded of the privilege it is to feel completely depleted. He holds down a technology job the description of which no-one really understands and his interests outside of Cycling and drinking are Cycling and drinking. As devoted aesthete, the only thing more important to him than riding a bike well is looking good doing it. Frank is co-author along with the other Keepers of the Cog of the popular book, The Rules, The Way of the Cycling Disciple and also writes a monthly column for the magazine, Cyclist. He is also currently working on the first follow-up to The Rules, tentatively entitled The Hardmen. Email him directly at rouleur@velominati.com.

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  • @VeloVita

    @frank

    @DerHoggz

    I'm disappointed that Froome lost the Jawbones this year.

    Speaking from my own experience, I like my Jawbones in cooler weather, but I find them very hot and almost stifling in the heat due to the way they wrap around top and bottom. When its hot, I'll ride my Radars, when its cooler, I'm all over the Jawbones.

    Love how they look, though.

    I think it all depends on who is wearing them. Hincapie looked ok in them - Froome looked like Lord Voldemort on holiday.

    That's what I found interesting, he had an impish, devilish look between the glasses and his facial structure.  Good to see he finally got a nice yellow pair.  All of sky is wearing yellow frames now, which they did last year when Wiggo was in yellow as well.  Marketing: it works.

  • @ten B

    I have to say that Froome went down a couple of notches in The V-Stakes with his post-stage comments about Bertie's crash. Taking too many uncalculated risks? FFS, risk management isn't risk elimination! If Froom thinks others are descending recklessly, perhaps he should do some bloody risk management of his own and come off of the wheel. Then he can attack without remorse when the inevitable happens. Seems he's getting a little bit precious in yellow.

    And with that, I give you...

     

    Froolum

     

    I completely agree. If he falls off chasing Bertie, that is his problem, not Contador's. Froomey should be riding conservatively on the descents with a 4 minute lead! He would be a total muppet to drop it on descent and hand the victory to Mollema.

    He may be leading the TdF by 4 minutes, but he has still not won a GT yet. So he can't play the "Patron" card and start pushing others around. If anything, the other riders seem to look up to Bertie, who has so many GT wins in the bank that he can afford to give a few away!

  • @ten B

    I have to say that Froome went down a couple of notches in The V-Stakes with his post-stage comments about Bertie's crash. Taking too many uncalculated risks? FFS, risk management isn't risk elimination! If Froom thinks others are descending recklessly, perhaps he should do some bloody risk management of his own and come off of the wheel. Then he can attack without remorse when the inevitable happens. Seems he's getting a little bit precious in yellow.

    And with that, I give you...

    Froolum

    Spot fucking on. He's starting to sound like a Schleck. Perhaps the one taking uncalculated risks is the guy with a five-minute buffer chasing down a rider at a point in a stage where he poses little danger to his lead.

  • @Marcus

    @Mikael Liddy teams supply their own yellow jerseys - just not the ones on the podium. That would be a Rapha jersey with Le Coq logo. Sleeves just appear rolled up.

    I've never heard this, ever. In fact, I've heard the opposite, where if the race is close a rider will endeavor to stay OUT of the yellow jersey because the team skin suit is faster in a ITT. Allegedly, this was the case for Ryder at the Giro last year.

    Also, I know the Tour supplies jerseys in all sizes pre-screened and ready for use. Also, riders like Cunego have had to resort to pinning their jerseys to make them fit because the race doesn't supply a small enough jersey.

  • @frank I thought I was fucking sure that teams made at least some of their own leaders' jerseys - I could be wrong but I am pretty sure the ASO didnt make this one, nor would they have made Rolland's dotty knicks.

  • @frank btw, your statement, if a race is close, they go slower to avoid a crap skinsuit so they can go faster? Puhleeze.

    That would kind of defeat the purpose wouldnt it?

  • @Bespoke Agreed that the movistar specs are made worse by the tiny faces and hollow cheeks of a pro on the razors edge, on a giant fat face like mine they may look the business!

    Did someone mention bourbon? I'll have a Four Roses, thanks very much

  • The podium jerseys are supplied by the race organization and the appropriate team logos are ironed on just before the ceremony.  But those aren't actually worn in the race; the kit sponsors usually make up the race wear.  For a favorite for the win, like Froome, Rapha had a good idea they would need some yellow kit.

  • @Marcus

    @frank I thought I was fucking sure that teams made at least some of their own leaders' jerseys - I could be wrong but I am pretty sure the ASO didnt make this one, nor would they have made Rolland's dotty knicks.

    Not the knicks, but that's also why in most cases the colors don't match.

    And yes, by the time the riders go to the post-tour crits, which is where Ricky V is in that abomination, they are no longer supplying the jerseys.

    @Marcus

    @frank btw, your statement, if a race is close, they go slower to avoid a crap skinsuit so they can go faster? Puhleeze.

    That would kind of defeat the purpose wouldnt it?

    Vaughters made this claim, yes. Not so much "went slower" as were happy not to take the jersey in a dead heat for the chance to ride in their own kit.

  • @DerHoggz

    @Marcus

    @Mikael Liddy teams supply their own yellow jerseys - just not the ones on the podium. That would be a Rapha jersey with Le Coq logo. Sleeves just appear rolled up.

    Nope. Official Maillot Jaune has faux collar points this year. Compare collar, zipper and sleeves (raglan vs. standard).

    Good evidence. Nicely done. I don't even know why we're having this discussion because obviously if Rapha made the jersey it would be exactly like his usual race jersey but yellow. Its an idiotic discussion, something we both excel and accel in.

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