Riding Ugly: The Spider

Too low and too short. Photo: Montreal Gazette

There are lots of things to like about Vroomie Froomie, like his willingness to accept the fact that people are inclined to question his performances. Aside from me resenting him for leading a Tour which everyday becomes a little less exciting, he seems quite a likable guy; he is polite, respectful of the sport, wears team-issue bibs with his yellow jersey, his bike is only subtly yellow’d out, and he hasn’t publicly called anyone a c*nt that I’m aware of. That last point alone represents a refreshing change from last year.

When KRX10 and I worked together during the Dot-Bomb, we used to keep a miniature bike in our office, which we would use to do 6-corner time-trials around the office floor. I’m assuming someone must have made videos of those races and that they must have gone viral in Kenya, because it appears Froome modeled his position after ours on those tiny bikes.

I haven’t seen anyone ride in a position like his since Sean Kelly, except Sean always Looked Fantastic. His saddle is too low, his reach is too short, his back is too hunched, and his heels and elbows are pointed out like he’s trying to stomp on a Smurf. And, from the looks of his shoes, it appears he has been successful. I would very much appreciate it if he would sort himself out and attain a more pleasant position on the bike. I don’t care that he can make it go like a nutter; it’s an affront to my sense of aesthetics to see him hunched up like a spider humping a lightbulb.

And everyone knows that Science has proven spiders to be icky on account of having too many appendages.

frank

The founder of Velominati and curator of The Rules, Frank was born in the Dutch colonies of Minnesota. His boundless physical talents are carefully canceled out by his equally boundless enthusiasm for drinking. Coffee, beer, wine, if it’s in a container, he will enjoy it, a lot of it. He currently lives in Seattle. He loves riding in the rain and scheduling visits with the Man with the Hammer just to be reminded of the privilege it is to feel completely depleted. He holds down a technology job the description of which no-one really understands and his interests outside of Cycling and drinking are Cycling and drinking. As devoted aesthete, the only thing more important to him than riding a bike well is looking good doing it. Frank is co-author along with the other Keepers of the Cog of the popular book, The Rules, The Way of the Cycling Disciple and also writes a monthly column for the magazine, Cyclist. He is also currently working on the first follow-up to The Rules, tentatively entitled The Hardmen. Email him directly at rouleur@velominati.com.

View Comments

  • Froome also drops his right shoulder when he's giving his all on the uphill. I've noticed that I do the same when I am struggling.

  • @Ron

    As humans, we are all different. So he looks different from the "regular" rider and maybe taking a different approach, but so what. Is he doing what he wants and well on his way to reaching his goal?

    I'm more disturbed at the fact that it seems we now have two Rons...I thought usernames/handles were unique, are they not?  I can't imagine the Ron I know saying such a thing.  Performance certainly matters, but no moreso than Looking Fantastic.

     

  • @Xyverz He clearly has more V than anyone this year you are right about that.  The photos don't quite capture the ungainliness.  I just went and looked at a couple of Youtube videos of the riding and he didn't look so terrible when he attacked Contador.  Ungainly but not terrible.  I think my impression is based more on how he looked before the attack, riding in the small group.

  • @Xyverz

    But judging by the photos that @Erik just posted, Froome-froome is definitely not utilizing The V-locus, but does it really matter? The guy is being a full-on monster this year.

    Does it really matter? DOES IT REALLY MATTER?

    Have you forgotten where you are? This is Velominati. This is what we do, for fucks sake. The fact that he's going batshit fast only makes his unappealing position marginally less offensive.

    Like @Jarvis said many moons ago, the goal is looking good and going fast, but if I have to choose one, I'll choose looking good every time.

    @Martin james

    @JohnB

    @Ron

    @Stefan

    That goes for you, too.

    you care too much.

    Does not compute.

  • @VeloVita

    @Ron

    As humans, we are all different. So he looks different from the "regular" rider and maybe taking a different approach, but so what. Is he doing what he wants and well on his way to reaching his goal?

    I'm more disturbed at the fact that it seems we now have two Rons...I thought usernames/handles were unique, are they not? I can't imagine the Ron I know saying such a thing. Performance certainly matters, but no moreso than Looking Fantastic.

    It's a "Wordpress" login thing. They don't discriminate unique usernames. I've learned a lot about WP since running our team website, and countless emails to @Frank (who's help has been invaluable, as I'm code illiterate). The @Ron ^^ up here isn't "our" Ron fo sho.

  • @VeloVita

    @Ron

    As humans, we are all different. So he looks different from the "regular" rider and maybe taking a different approach, but so what. Is he doing what he wants and well on his way to reaching his goal?

    I'm more disturbed at the fact that it seems we now have two Rons...I thought usernames/handles were unique, are they not? I can't imagine the Ron I know saying such a thing. Performance certainly matters, but no moreso than Looking Fantastic.

    Only if they register. Guests are only unique by email addy. Embrace the chaos!

  • @cantona

    Ugliest riding style since Cadel "I stole a kids BMX" Evans

    Cuddles rides like he's trying to crush his bike to deal out of spite.

    Paradoxically, he looks stunning on a TT bike.

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