Categories: EtiquetteLook ProRiding UglyTradition

Riding Ugly: The Spider

Too low and too short. Photo: Montreal Gazette

There are lots of things to like about Vroomie Froomie, like his willingness to accept the fact that people are inclined to question his performances. Aside from me resenting him for leading a Tour which everyday becomes a little less exciting, he seems quite a likable guy; he is polite, respectful of the sport, wears team-issue bibs with his yellow jersey, his bike is only subtly yellow’d out, and he hasn’t publicly called anyone a c*nt that I’m aware of. That last point alone represents a refreshing change from last year.

When KRX10 and I worked together during the Dot-Bomb, we used to keep a miniature bike in our office, which we would use to do 6-corner time-trials around the office floor. I’m assuming someone must have made videos of those races and that they must have gone viral in Kenya, because it appears Froome modeled his position after ours on those tiny bikes.

I haven’t seen anyone ride in a position like his since Sean Kelly, except Sean always Looked Fantastic. His saddle is too low, his reach is too short, his back is too hunched, and his heels and elbows are pointed out like he’s trying to stomp on a Smurf. And, from the looks of his shoes, it appears he has been successful. I would very much appreciate it if he would sort himself out and attain a more pleasant position on the bike. I don’t care that he can make it go like a nutter; it’s an affront to my sense of aesthetics to see him hunched up like a spider humping a lightbulb.

And everyone knows that Science has proven spiders to be icky on account of having too many appendages.

frank

The founder of Velominati and curator of The Rules, Frank was born in the Dutch colonies of Minnesota. His boundless physical talents are carefully canceled out by his equally boundless enthusiasm for drinking. Coffee, beer, wine, if it’s in a container, he will enjoy it, a lot of it. He currently lives in Seattle. He loves riding in the rain and scheduling visits with the Man with the Hammer just to be reminded of the privilege it is to feel completely depleted. He holds down a technology job the description of which no-one really understands and his interests outside of Cycling and drinking are Cycling and drinking. As devoted aesthete, the only thing more important to him than riding a bike well is looking good doing it. Frank is co-author along with the other Keepers of the Cog of the popular book, The Rules, The Way of the Cycling Disciple and also writes a monthly column for the magazine, Cyclist. He is also currently working on the first follow-up to The Rules, tentatively entitled The Hardmen. Email him directly at rouleur@velominati.com.

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View Comments

Bianchi Denti says:

Jul 15 2013 at 2:46 pm

Riding Beautifully: Liz Hatch

The pictorail definition of training properly?
Zman says:

Jul 15 2013 at 2:52 pm

Like almost all Euro-Pros over 5'10", he's on a too small frame. Bring back the custom bikes!
frank says:

Jul 15 2013 at 3:00 pm

@Erik

All equally horrible, but non work with the smurf joke, and that's not a joke you can play very often when writing about Cycling.

@Chris

It might be a little harsh, but all I see is this:

I see Arachnis Deathicus.
frank says:

Jul 15 2013 at 3:02 pm

@razmaspaz

It is a lower, powerful position; to me, its a very graceful look in a TT. Reminiscent of one Kaiser.
frank says:

Jul 15 2013 at 3:06 pm

@Steampunk

I would take Kelly's word for it; at the speeds they're going (18-24kph range, I'm guessing) they wouldn't need anything lower to accelerate sharply like that.
frank says:

Jul 15 2013 at 3:08 pm

@JCM

Froome's style problems also include the fact that he looks like a reptile. Certainly he's mostly humanoid in form, but if you look at his face it's impossible not to picture him snapping up any flies unfortunate enough to pass by while he's on the podium. I expect that he would have made quick work of the legions of butterflies that must have been perched on Grimpito's spokes when he finally reached the finish on Sunday.

IPA snorted. Strong work.

Another thing I forgot to mention is his too-long and uneven shorts. Seriously, is one longer than the other? Methinks so.
Gianni says:

Jul 15 2013 at 3:18 pm

@JCM

Froome's style problems also include the fact that he looks like a reptile. Certainly he's mostly humanoid in form, but if you look at his face it's impossible not to picture him snapping up any flies unfortunate enough to pass by while he's on the podium. I expect that he would have made quick work of the legions of butterflies that must have been perched on Grimpito's spokes when he finally reached the finish on Sunday.

Yes! That is it exactly. A big long tongue...zaaaap, nailed that fly on Hinault's forehead. And a Grimpito slam in the same post. Well done.
itburns says:

Jul 15 2013 at 3:24 pm

@frank

I think it is the asymmetrical "splash of blue" on the left leg. Optical illusion?
Spun Up says:

Jul 15 2013 at 3:56 pm

You should see him walk...
Marcus says:

Jul 15 2013 at 4:16 pm

@Bianchi Denti

Of all the Liz Hatch pics on the net (and i am pretty sure we have seen them all - twice), you went with that one? You can do better.

And I can do worse. You want an offensive photo of a tall skinny climber who could TT (he could for one Tour anyway)?