Categories: The RidesUnforgettable Rides

V And V Makes VV: Haleakala Round IIV

2743.2m above sea level – starting from 0m – and about 300m to go.

I can’t really call it an obsession. If it was an obsession, I would have commissioned a bloke I’ve never met to build me a set of ultra-light wheels and I would have spent an outrageous amount of money to upgrade my handlebars in an identical shape from aluminum to carbon in an effort to shave a few grams off the top end of my machine. After all, science has proven that buying lighter gear is a more effective strategy for climbing faster than that weight-weenie bullshit like quitting beer or steak.

Alright, so maybe I’m obsessed. But it’s not an all-consuming obsession – not obsessive obsession. Its more like a weighty thought that bends all the other less weighty thoughts towards it, like Einstein described why gravity bends light. It started less than a single Cognitive Unit after the VMH informed me of my time up the mountain on Part Deux. (A Cognitive Unit, obviously, is the unit of time it takes one to process any piece of information after the dishing up of a massive helping of Rule V.) It was around that time that my thoughts started warping towards riding Haleakala again – faster.

It started in low, then it started to grow. No, I’m not quoting How the Grinch Stole Christmas; I’m describing what happened after my gut was accosted by the Holiday Season. I’m fat, I’m out of shape, and I’m slow. What training I’ve been doing has been done in Seattle around the freezing point in stubbornly wet weather. Maui, on the other hand, insists on having warm weather – something I’m unaccustomed to – and the forecast for the coming week is hot, hot, and hotter. Despite Ryder Hesjedal setting the record up the climb during this time of year, the conventional wisdom around these here parts is that this is the worst time of year to try for a personal record up Haleakala.

You will understand, then, that this is the perfect time for me to leave a lung or two on Crater Road for the third time running. Assuming the weather holds and D.S. @Gianni, Coach VMH (whose “coaching” consists mostly of chastising and comparing me to small and adorable yet unwanted rodents), and @MauiBike fail to come up with compelling reasons to move the effort to another date, I will be visiting Pele for the third time on New Years Day, 2013.

Prognosticate on my upcoming ride at your own risk. For your reading and viewing entertainment, the two previous editions of Frank vs. The Volcano are provided here: Frank vs. The Volcano // Frank vs. The Volcano, Part Deux.

frank

The founder of Velominati and curator of The Rules, Frank was born in the Dutch colonies of Minnesota. His boundless physical talents are carefully canceled out by his equally boundless enthusiasm for drinking. Coffee, beer, wine, if it’s in a container, he will enjoy it, a lot of it. He currently lives in Seattle. He loves riding in the rain and scheduling visits with the Man with the Hammer just to be reminded of the privilege it is to feel completely depleted. He holds down a technology job the description of which no-one really understands and his interests outside of Cycling and drinking are Cycling and drinking. As devoted aesthete, the only thing more important to him than riding a bike well is looking good doing it. Frank is co-author along with the other Keepers of the Cog of the popular book, The Rules, The Way of the Cycling Disciple and also writes a monthly column for the magazine, Cyclist. He is also currently working on the first follow-up to The Rules, tentatively entitled The Hardmen. Email him directly at rouleur@velominati.com.

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View Comments

Dan_R says:

Jan 4 2013 at 8:44 pm

@frank

Official time was: 3:41:54.9 - who came closest?

Spot. Fucking. On.

Chapeau Frank.
Dan_R says:

Jan 4 2013 at 8:45 pm

@Jeff in PetroMetro

@frank I've got a pair of Haleakalas coming from Dan_R in the next couple of months. You've got me as giddy as a school girl with your reports of this week's vanquishing of the volcano. CAN.NOT.WAIT.FOR.MY.HALEAKALAS. And, again, way to kick that volcano's ass.

I am licking my chops just thinking about the build!
frank says:

Jan 5 2013 at 10:29 am

@Jeff in PetroMetro

@frank I've got a pair of Haleakalas coming from Dan_R in the next couple of months. You've got me as giddy as a school girl with your reports of this week's vanquishing of the volcano. CAN.NOT.WAIT.FOR.MY.HALEAKALAS. And, again, way to kick that volcano's ass.

Well, you still have to pedal the bike - but the wheels are incredible. What you notice the most is that they spin up so easily, and since climbing is basically a non-stop acceleration, they really make a big difference. Especially when the gradient changes and you need to keep your momentum going.

I found myself riding out of the saddle a lot more too, the bike would just spring to life instantly - something that was helped as well by the stiffer bars when I was leaning my fat torso on them.

But like I say, you still have to pedal the bike, they don't resolve that issue...
starclimber says:

Jan 5 2013 at 11:03 am

I think I can answer for Frank about why you don't merrily descend Haleakala after climbing it: you're fucking DESTROYED. Summit temperature was maybe 10 C the day I was crushed by the ascent, and I had trouble staying warm while stationary and bundled in fleece. I'd planned on riding down, and was more than happy to relegate that plan to 'another time'.
frank says:

Jan 7 2013 at 12:41 pm

This photo of me at the beach offers some insight into why I might have climbed slower than I had hoped.
gaswepass says:

Jan 7 2013 at 12:51 pm

@frank

congrats on the weight loss! U look so much better!
CanuckChuck says:

Jan 7 2013 at 1:07 pm

Get in my belly!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YoY_Fahp_Qc
wiscot says:

Jan 7 2013 at 1:12 pm

@frank

This photo of me at the beach offers some insight into why I might have climbed slower than I had hoped.

And henceforth, you shall be known as Mr Creosote.
scaler911 says:

Jan 7 2013 at 1:15 pm

@frank

This photo of me at the beach offers some insight into why I might have climbed slower than I had hoped.

I'm going to use this for my Gravatar.
the Engine says:

Jan 7 2013 at 1:18 pm

@frank

This photo of me at the beach offers some insight into why I might have climbed slower than I had hoped.

Frank noooooooooo - why are you not wearing a top - do you really want to break our hearts by disobeying Rule #7 in January.

I mean what's next? A Rule #8 violation with some fancy coloured bar tape?

It's like finding out the pope has sex at weekends...