V And V Makes VV: Haleakala Round IIV
I can’t really call it an obsession. If it was an obsession, I would have commissioned a bloke I’ve never met to build me a set of ultra-light wheels and I would have spent an outrageous amount of money to upgrade my handlebars in an identical shape from aluminum to carbon in an effort to shave a few grams off the top end of my machine. After all, science has proven that buying lighter gear is a more effective strategy for climbing faster than that weight-weenie bullshit like quitting beer or steak.
Alright, so maybe I’m obsessed. But it’s not an all-consuming obsession – not obsessive obsession. Its more like a weighty thought that bends all the other less weighty thoughts towards it, like Einstein described why gravity bends light. It started less than a single Cognitive Unit after the VMH informed me of my time up the mountain on Part Deux. (A Cognitive Unit, obviously, is the unit of time it takes one to process any piece of information after the dishing up of a massive helping of Rule V.) It was around that time that my thoughts started warping towards riding Haleakala again – faster.
It started in low, then it started to grow. No, I’m not quoting How the Grinch Stole Christmas; I’m describing what happened after my gut was accosted by the Holiday Season. I’m fat, I’m out of shape, and I’m slow. What training I’ve been doing has been done in Seattle around the freezing point in stubbornly wet weather. Maui, on the other hand, insists on having warm weather – something I’m unaccustomed to – and the forecast for the coming week is hot, hot, and hotter. Despite Ryder Hesjedal setting the record up the climb during this time of year, the conventional wisdom around these here parts is that this is the worst time of year to try for a personal record up Haleakala.
You will understand, then, that this is the perfect time for me to leave a lung or two on Crater Road for the third time running. Assuming the weather holds and D.S. @Gianni, Coach VMH (whose “coaching” consists mostly of chastising and comparing me to small and adorable yet unwanted rodents), and @MauiBike fail to come up with compelling reasons to move the effort to another date, I will be visiting Pele for the third time on New Years Day, 2013.
Prognosticate on my upcoming ride at your own risk. For your reading and viewing entertainment, the two previous editions of Frank vs. The Volcano are provided here: Frank vs. The Volcano // Frank vs. The Volcano, Part Deux.
Chapeau for even the attempt. Wears me out just contemplating. I’d do this, but I’m old now…
Grow a pair and get your fat ass up that little hill. Jesus H Merckx. (good luck little buddy!)
Shoulda done a Tucson training camp. Garmin did this year as did Jeremy Powers(in other words its very pro to do a training camp here). Our local mountain ends at about the same altitude, same average grade and its probably closer to your preferred temps here right now. Just saying.
Best of luck man.
It’s only twice the elevation gain of Hurricane Ridge…
I thought European steak was proven to improve climbing performance?
It’s OK, Ryder will pick up your slack!
http://vimeo.com/2805838
Chapeau Frank, it’s a stupid thing to do at any time of year, let alone with the inevitable 1st Jan hangover. It’s a strong start to the year though – what are you going to do for an encore?
However, I have faith in your component based training methods, so I’ll put in a guess for 3hrs 57 mins and 22 seconds. Now get pedalling!
@frank Best of luck tomorrow. I did a much smaller journey a few days ago on Kauai, climbing up to Waimea Canyon. What a V-licious way to start the New Year….
Most excellent! I have watched both videos and laud your courage for another massive intravenous infusion of Rule #5. This would be great preparation for another ” moderate” climb I was just dreaming about: Furnace Creek to Whitney Portal on a road bike then jump to either a MTB or cyclocross for a nice Portal to Summit jaunt. The forest service has ” suggested ” rules so best to start the second part at around 3 AM on a full-moon night in May , you being from Washington and an avid snow lover and all. Oh, and snow tires on the second bike. I’ll be at the Portal to cheer you on with Riding The Storm Out by REO Speedwagon blaring on the boombox. Yes, a truly Super-V Ride!.
BTW, pardon my pedantry, but IIV looks a lot like an impossible Greek number. I have consulted the V usage manual and it appears that proper form would be ” II-V” but being only a category 4 Velomenatus my sorry ass may be woefully wrong.
Souplesse, & Sur la plaque,
S. Pierce, old fart on a Bianchi
So how is it that seattle weather seems worse than portland’s? We are still riding out here (oh wait- yeah i guess it has been sucky), sometimes, indoors, never mind… Good luck and quit whining about challenging yourself to ride in the sun and warmth ffs! Or we’ll send you to Dubai to do it!
I can confirm that The VMH’s coaching is effective.
She cheered for me at Frank’s first cyclocross race and I finished ahead of him.
@slpchacha IIV is two less than 5, so it’s his third run Up Haleakala.
@nickleggs
I know that sweat-fest of a climb very well. I used to live in Kekaha and that is about it for climbing on Kauai. The descent is a real mutha for-ya, too much fun.
Director Sportif report: The kid is strong as a sasquatch. I took him on the wettest group ride even he had ever been on yesterday. Early into the ride he rode next to me and inquired why everybody wasn’t in the big ring (like he was) on all the climbs. I thought he was fucking with me but no, he was serious. No doubt he will put up a new personal record tomorrow.
He has the right amount of dumb and an over abundance of power. This should be fun. For me. In the car.
Good luck Frank. Looking forward to the video report.
@Gianni
Getting to know Frank over the past year or so, the more he complains about being “out of shape and fat”, it actually means he’s in better shape than ever.
He should do well tomorrow. If he doesn’t give it his all, shove him off of his bike. But do it onto the area of the climb where the grass fields are, rather than the sharp jagged rocks – we don’t want him too banged up.
Good luck, Frank. That you’re even attempting this tells me you won’t have any problem leaving the brain behind tomorrow.
Some people will think of any excuse to avoid drinking in the New Year. Good V and avoid the Hammer.
Found myself thinking of Maui and a little heat this morning as I fought snowdrifts and strong winds on the road. Best of luck with round IIV
@mcsqueak
i think you’re right. It’s not the heat, it’s the humility.
I predict IIV:IIIVVIII (and a visit from the Ministry of Roman Numerals)
@G’rilla
Frank will need the encouragement!
@Gianni
Great DS report Gianni. Maybe my poorly thought out sponsorship will work out!
Sur La Plaque, Franktard! (I will breathing heavy just thinking of it…)
@Gianni You should take off his inner chainring while he’s sleeping tonight. He won’t be using it anyway and it will save a few grams.
Missed you guys, been offline for a few days.
@frank – good luck with that, may the Hammer not fall.
@G’rilla
He notices everything! He wants to redo my handlebar tape because I didn’t remove the 3″ end of the fizik tape without holes in it.
@Dan_R
This should go in the Lexicon, we just need a definition.
Good luck, Frank.
Weather in Kula looks good for tomorrow:
Temperature Range: 21 – 26 degrees CChance of Rain: 20%Wind: NE at 22 kphHumidity: 70%UV Index: 7 – High
oops…I screwed up the copy/paste from the weather channel.
@torvid
+1
Next year is most definitely in Jerusalem/Hawaii
All right ladies and ladies. A beautiful pair of V-links , black or white, for the closest guess for Frank’s 2013 Haleakala time. His goal is 3:30 or less.
Ryder’s record is around 2:32, which is very sick.
Winning time 2012 Race to the Sun 2:57.
Frank’s best time so far is 3:52.
With no particular inside information I’m thinking 3:28:20. People who think they may have won please step forward tomorrow to make sorting it out easier. Betting window closes at 7am Maui time. 1/1/13
@Gianni
Thursday
@eightzero
Bullshit. You’re only old when you think you’re old.
Just came across who I’m certain was Twistin’ Banged and Felled – Maybe I can get him to join me on the way up.
@Fausto
The East Maui Loop Cogal on Jan 9th, of course!
Ouch! 4 minutes slower than last time! You’ll pay for that! Two demerits!
@frank
I’m 11
@slpchacha
Sounds like the perfect makings for a Cogal! Reach out to us with some more route details and we’ll put something together. Sounds epic!
And IIV, as G’Rilla suggests, means 3. We are a V (Five)-based community, so we write 10 and VV and 9 as IVV and so forth. The ancients didn’t do very much documentation of this stuff – too busy riding and all that – so we pretty much just make it up as we go along.
@gaswepass
What are you riding indoors for? I’ve been doing about 300-400km per week with the animals lining up in pairs and only pausing briefly to let the ice thaw off the roads.
@Gianni
3:27 Flat.
Those wheels will give you wings @Frank.
@xyxax
I would be delighted with a time of 3:28. Thank you, good sir, but notgonnahappen.
@G’rilla
Last time as I rounded the bend to the last pitch, her words were – and I quote: “STOMP THOSE FUCKING PEDALS, BITCH!”
3:V2:VV. Move your ass, you Dutch Bitch!
Okay Brother Frahnk, you’ll improve but that is one killer climb. 3:47:00. I hope you make your goal, though!
What a beautiful speech, brings a tear to my eye.
@frank
Nice work. I chased Josh fr 4 hours last weekend with a steady diet of gravel, road spray and goose shite. No ice but was durn near freezin. So i been out there.
Happy new year, good luck, and i bet 3:36.
04:15
Good luck to you Frank, I am expecting a full report. You better lay down a good effort, you wouldn’t want to have your time beaten by an Adrian such as myself when I ride the Bastard mid month.
3:25 is the time I’m guessing.
Best of luck!
3:31
Happy New Year and Best of Luck
3:38:51
3:41:00
@frank
3:45:45
Happy New Year! And don’t fuck this up.
BTW, I bought a pair of the same wheels from Cafe Roubaix a few weeks ago in anticipation of my Gran Fondo New York ride/race in May. In your honor, I’m naming them “Haleakalas”. Just sayin’.
So dependent on the winds. I was hammered mercilessly on my ride up that glorious heap, and then rained on at about the point where getting cooler was no longer desirable.
May the wind be not always in your face.
3:43:43
3:41:49