V And V Makes VV: Haleakala Round IIV
I can’t really call it an obsession. If it was an obsession, I would have commissioned a bloke I’ve never met to build me a set of ultra-light wheels and I would have spent an outrageous amount of money to upgrade my handlebars in an identical shape from aluminum to carbon in an effort to shave a few grams off the top end of my machine. After all, science has proven that buying lighter gear is a more effective strategy for climbing faster than that weight-weenie bullshit like quitting beer or steak.
Alright, so maybe I’m obsessed. But it’s not an all-consuming obsession – not obsessive obsession. Its more like a weighty thought that bends all the other less weighty thoughts towards it, like Einstein described why gravity bends light. It started less than a single Cognitive Unit after the VMH informed me of my time up the mountain on Part Deux. (A Cognitive Unit, obviously, is the unit of time it takes one to process any piece of information after the dishing up of a massive helping of Rule V.) It was around that time that my thoughts started warping towards riding Haleakala again – faster.
It started in low, then it started to grow. No, I’m not quoting How the Grinch Stole Christmas; I’m describing what happened after my gut was accosted by the Holiday Season. I’m fat, I’m out of shape, and I’m slow. What training I’ve been doing has been done in Seattle around the freezing point in stubbornly wet weather. Maui, on the other hand, insists on having warm weather – something I’m unaccustomed to – and the forecast for the coming week is hot, hot, and hotter. Despite Ryder Hesjedal setting the record up the climb during this time of year, the conventional wisdom around these here parts is that this is the worst time of year to try for a personal record up Haleakala.
You will understand, then, that this is the perfect time for me to leave a lung or two on Crater Road for the third time running. Assuming the weather holds and D.S. @Gianni, Coach VMH (whose “coaching” consists mostly of chastising and comparing me to small and adorable yet unwanted rodents), and @MauiBike fail to come up with compelling reasons to move the effort to another date, I will be visiting Pele for the third time on New Years Day, 2013.
Prognosticate on my upcoming ride at your own risk. For your reading and viewing entertainment, the two previous editions of Frank vs. The Volcano are provided here: Frank vs. The Volcano // Frank vs. The Volcano, Part Deux.
Hate to say brother but…
refer to Rule #5!
20 minute is a lot of time to make up… too much I think.
3:40:00
Make that mountain your bitch.
3:45.6 (if only for the ease of typing)
btw… If it was Christian VdV you saw… See if he’ll give you a lead out on Haleakela like he gave Hesjedal on Stelvio… That could shave off a few minutes.
3:42:24…Happy New Year you bunch of bastards!
Okay, I’m thinking he’ll take around 15 off last years so….3:37:13
Best of luck to you frank and a happy New Year to you all!
@Gianni
I’ll have a crack. If I remember correctly I won a pair of V-links the last time we were quessing Frank’s climbing times.
3:40:40.
@fronk
I’m confused… how can 82Kg + a Kg or two for the seasons overindulgence be fat? I thought you were on it. Anyhow I’ll have a stab and say 3:39:10
@fronk
your wheels are bitchin’. according to the CR site you’ve gotta be light to ride them. what treads are they; veloflex extreme?
Soooo, Frhank Schtrack’s fat and on holiday? 4 hours 40. At least, and finally, it appears Frhonk’s taking Murica’s national hobby of being gloriously well nourished seriously.
Stop for burgers and shakes half way up you fat bastard. It doesn’t count if you do the lower half twice so you can coast down and have a dip before having another crack.
IIV:IVIIV I reckon, close enough to leave you with enough motivation to go back & push for below IIV:IIVIIIIIV
Alright Frank, I’ve got faith in the power of the V and a strong showing by you, plus my Charlie Ma-Sheen needs those sexy V-links!
Show me 3:37:22.
Thus spaketh my truth into existence or some other such nonsense…..
Happy New Year everyone! May you have good legs///
@frank
For some reason I thought you hadn’t broken the 4 hour barrier yet, hence putting faith in you to do it this time – insult unintended!
I’ll revise my estimate to 3hrs 42mins 57 seconds. I reckon that’s about what a light set of wheels will get you!
Good luck from a cold, snowy and icy Wisconsin. I’m guessing 3;33;33.
I love a completely pointless adventure/challenge. Go Frank!
3:44
Good luck Frank. I look forward to reading your report and to watching the third instalment in the video series. I’ll guess 3:41.55.
3:48. Suffer well!
Best of luck, Big Fellow! Looking forward to the ride, the report, & the awesome video footage!
“I’m fat, I’m out of shape, and I’m slow.” Feeling you there. Not enough riding lately, too much holiday partying & eating. I felt like I was going to burst my bib seams yesterday when I leaned down to the drops. Fuuuuuck. Hate that feeling. Only one thing to do to cure it though, or a few!
Happy 1/1/13 everyone!!
3:46, but good luck with the goal.
3:45.55…Allez!!
Just returned from the first ride of the year here on the USA east coast (much less exciting than Hawaii!!) A small group, some obviously still in a state of celebration from what for me was last night, but for them was only an hour ago. Brian seemed especially affected. After a couple of hours, at the top of the day’s only climb he forcefully evacuated all stomach contents yet was able to keep both kit & bike pristine clean. Impressive.
Can’t wait to read about Frank’s New Year’s Day ride.
Happy New Year to all.
All the best for the new year everyone.
I’ll take 3:35:28. ALLEZ!
3.39.55 Good luck Frank.
My new years day ride was awful. I was drinking til 2 last night, then was up with the kids at 7am. Despite this I didn’t seem to have a hangover so I set off along the English South coast to tackle Beachy Head. I was fine for the first two hours but then started to feel terrible and could barely turn the pedals or lift my head up from staring at my front wheel. It took nearly 3 hours to cover the 65km to get home where I puked violently all over the bathroom.
I’ve since had sleep, got cleaned up and feel fine.
I might have a beer. Happy new year everyone.
3:30:20
This.
@motor city
It’ll be epic. I’d love to ride there someday. 3:43.58
As a symbolic (sacramental?) gesture recognizing Frank’s effort today, I did 10 in-town hill repeats representing 1,000 ft elevation gain each (av 6% grade kicking up to 24% at the top).
Frank: May the Prophet be with thee. A-Merckx…and so shall it be.
Happy New Year to All.
@Gianni
What is it with the 3″ end on both ends? I have consulted http://www.velominati.com/the-rules/tape-o-philia/ & http://www.velominati.com/nostalgia/ride-like-a-leader-white-bar-tape to no avail.
One end is fine for cutting an approved lead in to wrap, but why both ends?
It’s hard enough deciding if should wrap inwards at the top, or out, getting the neat finish as per frank’s photos, …
And why do they supply black bar ends with white tape? Do I spray them silver or white?
3hrs 24mins. He’s actually been training quite hard with that longer commute…
Bugger I’m too late aren’t I?
And probably still wrong…
Absolutely shattered. I am reduced to a broken man. Really pushed it hard, and into a horrible gale from about 5,000 to 9,000. And I still want to spit in the eye of whoever designed that last steep ramp to the finish. Unholy noises escaped my neck hole.
A hair under 3:42, I’ll post the official time when I can process the idea of getting up off the sofa. I don’t think I’ve ridden that hard at race pace for that long, ever. Going for a PR and not just for a good ride up are totally different things.
In other words, it was awesome, and in some sense I’m glad it was so windy because I know based on lower splits that 3:30 was very doable with less (or no) wind and now I’m looking forward already to having another go in better conditions.
Later, though. Not now.
@frank
Well done sir – chapeau
Chapeau Frank, glad to hear you’ve knocked yet more time off your PB. A splendid start to 2013, I’ll unleash some V on my riding buddies in the hills tomorrow in recognition!
Only have one camera within arms reach of the chouch and that is the one that ran out at 7,000 feet. But here’s a preview.
And here is a shot of the fucking flag whipping in the wind. What a bastard that wind is.
@frank avvesome effort, how far is a hair cos it sounds like I might have come up a winner?
Oooh, I was close in my time then but if we’re going Price is Right rules I went a minute or so over and don’t qualify. Nicely done, man. The bike looks tits with the Cafe Roubaix wheels.
well done,m8.
Fabulous effort, given the conditions. I am all admiration.
Congrats on a stellar effort. Despite the guesstimates, I’m sure we were all hoping you’d do under 3:30.
By the way, if you think you’re fat and in less than peak form, then we’re all fucked.
@freddy
@Duende
It’s going to be close.
From the DS car it was a most horrible assault. Frank was on the rivet from start to finish. He is a tough monkey. A big Rule V effort if I’ve ever seen one. I’m tired and all I did was drive and curse. Some malted beverage recovery fluids will flow tonight.
@Gianni damn, looks like I was less close than I thought…I left an ‘I’ out of my minute time anyway so ended up giving him 3.43.
Not sure why I’m all that bothered, I’ve already purchased a pair of the cufflinks anyways.
Stellar effort Frank. You’ve put the “peau” in “chapeau” and won the V-Moment of the Year prologue.
@frank
I’m with @wiscot, Frank–you look fabulous! That pic could qualify for the photo contest knowing your accomplishment today and how it sets the bar for all of us for the rest of the year. That’s leadership right there.
@Gianni Ahem, I guessed 3:41:00 so I may be close too.
We we’re guessing the time? I thought we were picking the soundtrack to the video…
Excellent effort, congrats. Hope you are participating in several malty recovery beverages.
A-Merckx! What the Volcanoe giVeth; the Volcanoe taketh aVVay.
Inspirational, young man. Inspirational.
Very vvell done!!! I was way over (3:45:45). Shame, the wind. 3:30? I can see why you’re planning a return next year. That would be amazing to get less than 60 minutes away from the record–held by some Canadian in a pink t-shirt, if my memory serves me correctly.
Chapeau!
Merckx all that is holy!
Way to go Frank! (Or has Franktard been approved?)
i hope you enjoy the barley and hops!
@frank
Well done, although you’re not taking your responsibility to be a fat ‘Murican very seriously. i expected more (girth).