Categories: The RidesUnforgettable Rides

V And V Makes VV: Haleakala Round IIV

2743.2m above sea level – starting from 0m – and about 300m to go.

I can’t really call it an obsession. If it was an obsession, I would have commissioned a bloke I’ve never met to build me a set of ultra-light wheels and I would have spent an outrageous amount of money to upgrade my handlebars in an identical shape from aluminum to carbon in an effort to shave a few grams off the top end of my machine. After all, science has proven that buying lighter gear is a more effective strategy for climbing faster than that weight-weenie bullshit like quitting beer or steak.

Alright, so maybe I’m obsessed. But it’s not an all-consuming obsession – not obsessive obsession. Its more like a weighty thought that bends all the other less weighty thoughts towards it, like Einstein described why gravity bends light. It started less than a single Cognitive Unit after the VMH informed me of my time up the mountain on Part Deux. (A Cognitive Unit, obviously, is the unit of time it takes one to process any piece of information after the dishing up of a massive helping of Rule V.) It was around that time that my thoughts started warping towards riding Haleakala again – faster.

It started in low, then it started to grow. No, I’m not quoting How the Grinch Stole Christmas; I’m describing what happened after my gut was accosted by the Holiday Season. I’m fat, I’m out of shape, and I’m slow. What training I’ve been doing has been done in Seattle around the freezing point in stubbornly wet weather. Maui, on the other hand, insists on having warm weather – something I’m unaccustomed to – and the forecast for the coming week is hot, hot, and hotter. Despite Ryder Hesjedal setting the record up the climb during this time of year, the conventional wisdom around these here parts is that this is the worst time of year to try for a personal record up Haleakala.

You will understand, then, that this is the perfect time for me to leave a lung or two on Crater Road for the third time running. Assuming the weather holds and D.S. @Gianni, Coach VMH (whose “coaching” consists mostly of chastising and comparing me to small and adorable yet unwanted rodents), and @MauiBike fail to come up with compelling reasons to move the effort to another date, I will be visiting Pele for the third time on New Years Day, 2013.

Prognosticate on my upcoming ride at your own risk. For your reading and viewing entertainment, the two previous editions of Frank vs. The Volcano are provided here: Frank vs. The Volcano // Frank vs. The Volcano, Part Deux.

frank

The founder of Velominati and curator of The Rules, Frank was born in the Dutch colonies of Minnesota. His boundless physical talents are carefully canceled out by his equally boundless enthusiasm for drinking. Coffee, beer, wine, if it’s in a container, he will enjoy it, a lot of it. He currently lives in Seattle. He loves riding in the rain and scheduling visits with the Man with the Hammer just to be reminded of the privilege it is to feel completely depleted. He holds down a technology job the description of which no-one really understands and his interests outside of Cycling and drinking are Cycling and drinking. As devoted aesthete, the only thing more important to him than riding a bike well is looking good doing it. Frank is co-author along with the other Keepers of the Cog of the popular book, The Rules, The Way of the Cycling Disciple and also writes a monthly column for the magazine, Cyclist. He is also currently working on the first follow-up to The Rules, tentatively entitled The Hardmen. Email him directly at rouleur@velominati.com.

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View Comments

frank says:

Dec 31 2012 at 6:24 pm

Just came across who I'm certain was Twistin' Banged and Felled - Maybe I can get him to join me on the way up.
frank says:

Dec 31 2012 at 6:26 pm

@Fausto

Chapeau Frank, it's a stupid thing to do at any time of year, let alone with the inevitable 1st Jan hangover. It's a strong start to the year though - what are you going to do for an encore?

The East Maui Loop Cogal on Jan 9th, of course!

However, I have faith in your component based training methods, so I'll put in a guess for 3hrs 57 mins and 22 seconds. Now get pedalling!

Ouch! 4 minutes slower than last time! You'll pay for that! Two demerits!
the Engine says:

Dec 31 2012 at 6:27 pm

@frank

@eightzero

Chapeau for even the attempt. Wears me out just contemplating. I'd do this, but I'm old now...

Bullshit. You're only old when you think you're old.

I'm 11
frank says:

Dec 31 2012 at 6:29 pm

@slpchacha

Most excellent! I have watched both videos and laud your courage for another massive intravenous infusion of Rule #5. This would be great preparation for another " moderate" climb I was just dreaming about: Furnace Creek to Whitney Portal on a road bike then jump to either a MTB or cyclocross for a nice Portal to Summit jaunt. The forest service has " suggested " rules so best to start the second part at around 3 AM on a full-moon night in May , you being from Washington and an avid snow lover and all. Oh, and snow tires on the second bike. I'll be at the Portal to cheer you on with Riding The Storm Out by REO Speedwagon blaring on the boombox. Yes, a truly Super-V Ride!.

BTW, pardon my pedantry, but IIV looks a lot like an impossible Greek number. I have consulted The V usage manual and it appears that proper form would be " II-V" but being only a category 4 Velomenatus my sorry ass may be woefully wrong.

Souplesse, & Sur La Plaque,

S. Pierce, old fart on a Bianchi

Sounds like the perfect makings for a Cogal! Reach out to us with some more route details and we'll put something together. Sounds epic!

And IIV, as G'Rilla suggests, means 3. We are a V (Five)-based community, so we write 10 and VV and 9 as IVV and so forth. The ancients didn't do very much documentation of this stuff - too busy riding and all that - so we pretty much just make it up as we go along.
frank says:

Dec 31 2012 at 6:31 pm

@gaswepass

So how is it that seattle weather seems worse than portland's? We are still riding out here (oh wait- yeah i guess it has been sucky), sometimes, indoors, never mind...

What are you riding indoors for? I've been doing about 300-400km per week with the animals lining up in pairs and only pausing briefly to let the ice thaw off the roads.
mouse says:

Dec 31 2012 at 6:34 pm

@Gianni

3:27 Flat.

Those wheels will give you wings @Frank.
frank says:

Dec 31 2012 at 6:35 pm

@xyxax

@mcsqueak

i think you're right. It's not the heat, it's the humility.

I predict IIV:IIIVVIII (and a visit from the Ministry of Roman Numerals)

I would be delighted with a time of 3:28. Thank you, good sir, but notgonnahappen.

@G'rilla

I can confirm that The VMH's coaching is effective.

She cheered for me at Frank's first cyclocross race and I finished ahead of him.

Last time as I rounded the bend to the last pitch, her words were - and I quote: "STOMP THOSE FUCKING PEDALS, BITCH!"
eightzero says:

Dec 31 2012 at 6:47 pm

3:V2:VV. Move your ass, you Dutch Bitch!
Buck Rogers says:

Dec 31 2012 at 6:59 pm

Okay Brother Frahnk, you'll improve but that is one killer climb. 3:47:00. I hope you make your goal, though!
Buck Rogers says:

Dec 31 2012 at 7:02 pm

I can confirm that The VMH's coaching is effective.

She cheered for me at Frank's first cyclocross race and I finished ahead of him.

Last time as I rounded the bend to the last pitch, her words were - and I quote: "STOMP THOSE FUCKING PEDALS, BITCH!"

What a beautiful speech, brings a tear to my eye.