It’s funny what goes through your head at 3am when you’re woken by a cat. Especially if that cat’s name is Lars, and he was named after the Metallica drummer (not by me, he’s my VMH’s cat). I prefer to call him Jan though, as Jan has always been my favourite Ullrich. So last night Lars woke me up, and unable to get back to sleep I got to thinking: who really is the most awesome Ullrich, and what kind of battles would Jan and Lars have to fight out to win naming rights for a cat? It’s a complex place, my brain at 3am.
We know that these consumate professionals put maximum effort into their chosen fields of expertise. And that they probably put a lot of substance in, too. Jan was always on the job for much longer than Lars; I’ve never heard of Metallica doing six hour gigs without a break between songs, for three weeks at a time. And how hard can drumming really be? I reckon Lars is faking it. And his shirt’s still buttoned. Inhaling a Wasp: Jan wins.
Oh, how the mistakes of your past catch up with you. The innocence and exuberance of youth can manifest itself in ways we later look back on and shudder with that sinking feeling of “what was I thinking?” But a good mullet outdoes a bad perm/highlight any day. Lars wins (or loses).
Who doesn’t love a bit of adulation? It might seem like Lars has a bigger captive audience here, but I bet Jan passed a hundred thousand fans on his way to the line that day alone. None of them had to pay $150 for the privilege either. Do I even need to mention how badass that jersey is? And who gives their fans the middle finger? Jan wins, and wins big.
Fame and fortune can trump ordinary looks in a heartbeat. And when it comes to stepping out on the red carpet, having a beautiful woman on your arm is mandatory. Both our heroes have done exceptionally well for themselves in the wife stakes, though Jan made sure he had the height advantage. I don’t think Lars will be complaining though. Let’s call it a draw.
We like to party, party! Jan doesn’t mind putting away a few pints in the off season, and when he’s sufficiently lubed, well, sometimes things can get out of hand. I mean, who hasn’t been to Oktoberfest, dressed in ridiculous shorts, puffy shirts and flowery braces, downed a dozen Schofferhofers, dropped a couple of tabs then driven the Porsche into a bike rack? Lars, on the other hand, just couldn’t keep up the pace and ended up in rehab on a diet of chocolate milk shakes… and he couldn’t even keep them down. Rock and Roll my arse. Jan wins.
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Cycling is metal. Even when it is carbon...\m/
My wife always assumed Metallica was my favourite band, but alas, UP THE IRONS! Her first metal concert was Maiden in Edmonton 2010, the Final Frontier tour.
Oh, just hit me, metal band and cyclists...both tour.
Jan vs Lars - I really like the way you think (@ 3am) Brett.
It's not that your case is not compelling because it is and you have come to the correct conclusion but I want to add - since I was/am of the speed/thrash/death metal persuasion - that Lars an arrogant little cock sucker that quickly forgot that the reason Metallica is so popular. I.e. the underground tape trading world of which I was a part back in the '80s. It was perfectly fine for us to circulate boot-legged Metallica songs tapes when they were nobodies. But then they got too big for their britches and started suing Napster users and sold-out crap like that. Yea, yea, Jan sold his soul too but at least he ain't suing his fans.
@brett - Your mind works in wondrous ways - actually a bit freakin' scary, but hey, who doesn't like metal in the middle of the night. These things do indeed all go together - cycling, metal, rock star status, beer, hot chicks (VMH) for most of us, insomnia. What strikes me; however - and clearly gives Jan the win -, is the sheer madness of cycling and the individual struggle to kick the road and the competition into submission. These two guys are badass and very good at what they do, but the cyclist does it for the love of the road, the desire to be the best, all while knowing that it will cause severe pain and suffering. In that regard, Metallica are indeed pussies. They probably have their cuticles manicured. Jan wins - hands down.
@TBONE
Damn, nothing gets past you... guess I'm gonna have to scrap the Jens Voigt vs Jon Voight article now.
@Ken Ho
What do you call someone who hangs around musicians?
A drummer.
@Harminator
I was looking for a comparable bus photo too... nice work!
@brett
Or the Neil Armstrong / Lance Amrstrong piece: One played the lead role in the most fraudulent deceit of the American people and the other was a bike racer?
@Harminator
Mate, you're reading my mind... but the battle will be a 3 way, with Loius in there too. One was a blowhard, the other was a trumpeter.
@Ken Ho
Ken Ho Rules! You old Ho, glad you are not a smear on the side of some long haul truck. Every time I hear reference to bro-set I smile.
@Harminator
Jesus man, are you insane? Don't hijack this thread with that. Save that for the You tube comment section.
@Harminator
@brett
What about a tussle between Aussies who have decided to emigrate to NZ?
That would be a fight between Brett and.... nobody else ever.
How about a dog .. A dog named Eddy. Or Eddie. Hmmmm
For those who still think that a comparison between tape trading and Napster is valid, you might want to consider this
http://thetrichordist.com/2012/11/20/lars-was-first-and-lars-was-right/
Tape trading was an asset to the industry, Napster and co wiped it out.
Otherwise, yes, Lars is an arrogant little cocksucker, but since when was that a bad thing ?
You have to have some shit in you if you want to break the mould and do something different in the world. I'll bet 4/5 of people putting shit on him are prisoners in a cubiclesomewhere or flipping burgers.
Lars for the win.