It’s funny what goes through your head at 3am when you’re woken by a cat. Especially if that cat’s name is Lars, and he was named after the Metallica drummer (not by me, he’s my VMH’s cat). I prefer to call him Jan though, as Jan has always been my favourite Ullrich. So last night Lars woke me up, and unable to get back to sleep I got to thinking: who really is the most awesome Ullrich, and what kind of battles would Jan and Lars have to fight out to win naming rights for a cat? It’s a complex place, my brain at 3am.
We know that these consumate professionals put maximum effort into their chosen fields of expertise. And that they probably put a lot of substance in, too. Jan was always on the job for much longer than Lars; I’ve never heard of Metallica doing six hour gigs without a break between songs, for three weeks at a time. And how hard can drumming really be? I reckon Lars is faking it. And his shirt’s still buttoned. Inhaling a Wasp: Jan wins.
Oh, how the mistakes of your past catch up with you. The innocence and exuberance of youth can manifest itself in ways we later look back on and shudder with that sinking feeling of “what was I thinking?” But a good mullet outdoes a bad perm/highlight any day. Lars wins (or loses).
Who doesn’t love a bit of adulation? It might seem like Lars has a bigger captive audience here, but I bet Jan passed a hundred thousand fans on his way to the line that day alone. None of them had to pay $150 for the privilege either. Do I even need to mention how badass that jersey is? And who gives their fans the middle finger? Jan wins, and wins big.
Fame and fortune can trump ordinary looks in a heartbeat. And when it comes to stepping out on the red carpet, having a beautiful woman on your arm is mandatory. Both our heroes have done exceptionally well for themselves in the wife stakes, though Jan made sure he had the height advantage. I don’t think Lars will be complaining though. Let’s call it a draw.
We like to party, party! Jan doesn’t mind putting away a few pints in the off season, and when he’s sufficiently lubed, well, sometimes things can get out of hand. I mean, who hasn’t been to Oktoberfest, dressed in ridiculous shorts, puffy shirts and flowery braces, downed a dozen Schofferhofers, dropped a couple of tabs then driven the Porsche into a bike rack? Lars, on the other hand, just couldn’t keep up the pace and ended up in rehab on a diet of chocolate milk shakes… and he couldn’t even keep them down. Rock and Roll my arse. Jan wins.
And then there’s this…
I know as well as any of you that I've been checked out lately, kind…
Peter Sagan has undergone quite the transformation over the years; starting as a brash and…
The Women's road race has to be my favorite one-day road race after Paris-Roubaix and…
Holy fuckballs. I've never been this late ever on a VSP. I mean, I've missed…
This week we are currently in is the most boring week of the year. After…
I have memories of my life before Cycling, but as the years wear slowly on…
View Comments
@brett
Herk! Good one. Now, if Marcus had a talent past turning every scenario into a form of adult entertainment they'd be twins...
Nice piece.
FWIW, Lars Ulrich isnt good enough to carry John Bonhams drum cases.
@Mikael Liddy
Umm yes. Good catch. I meant this...
Sagan: Carl or Peter
Bobet: Louison or Lorena
Simpson: Tommy or Homer
I think this could be a great series that runs the site into even further disrepute and ultimately into the ground (Margaret Cavendish was pretty badass!).
Two weeks ago one of my cats woke me up from the most incredible dream I've ever had. I had just seen the director's cut of Brasil on the big screen in 35mm and had a dream setting straight from the movie. It was a long, detail, fantastic dream...until Hobo kept on rubbing his face against my chin and work me up.
Chris - YES! Bon Scott and AC/DC are superb (up until Ballbreaker). Never realized the Millar similarity. I too never really liked Metallica much. Maybe because too many meatheads put them on in the locker room and that kinda ruined it for me. Plus, Lars is fucking weird looking and Danny Carey is by far the best classically trained loud drummer out there.
How 'bout Sagan sitting at the mystical white spaceship consol in Cosmos and ramblin' on regarding the universe? That is fucking bonkers. And incredibly awesome when he is talking about samurai crabs and states, "Evolution. It is a fact, not a theory." Take that as a big, double middle finger Giant Flood Creationists.
@Chris
I saw AC/DC with Bon Scott in the '70s and didn't even know who they where. They were just some band opening for Aerosmith. They kicked Aerosmith's arses right off the stage. Then EVERYBODY knew who they were.
@Cyclops There's something about the Bon Scott era AC/DC that is untouchable. Pared down and uncluttered. High Voltage still sounds as good now as it did when I was eight or nine.
@scaler911
You should be banned for posting that pic FFS! Put me right off my muffin and coffee.
Anyone else seen Some Kind of Monster, the Metallica movie?. Really fascinating look behind the scene of how a mega band works. A T-Mobile movie of the same name featuring big Jan might be just as intereting if it ever happened - which it won't,.
I was in 4th grade when my brother got a 4-disc set to play on his new Yamaha 5-disc carousel player. "Back in Black," "Highway to Hell" (both have 10 songs and I have never been able to decide which is more awesome) "Who Made Who" and "Dirty Deeds." I still have yet to get over the initial shock of the fear the Dirty Deeds album cover put into me. I can't imagine being a teen in Australia when that was released.
Cyclops, ha, I know that feeling well. I scored free tickets to Pearl Jam in Washington, DC around 2006. They put on a lame, rehearsed, boring show. The opener was My Morning Jacket, who I'd already seen, and they kicked arse. (though they seem to have gone pear shaped themselves.)
I also walked into a small club once and as I opened the doors to the upstairs music room I was totally floored. I couldn't believe the sheer amount of noise two guys were putting out. It was "Death From Above" and I still think "You're a Woman, I'm a Machine" is one of the wildest albums put out in recent years.
@unversio
If it is Courtney Love then she and Jan can compare track marks on their arms. Who would win? Hard to say . . .