It’s funny what goes through your head at 3am when you’re woken by a cat. Especially if that cat’s name is Lars, and he was named after the Metallica drummer (not by me, he’s my VMH’s cat). I prefer to call him Jan though, as Jan has always been my favourite Ullrich. So last night Lars woke me up, and unable to get back to sleep I got to thinking: who really is the most awesome Ullrich, and what kind of battles would Jan and Lars have to fight out to win naming rights for a cat? It’s a complex place, my brain at 3am.
We know that these consumate professionals put maximum effort into their chosen fields of expertise. And that they probably put a lot of substance in, too. Jan was always on the job for much longer than Lars; I’ve never heard of Metallica doing six hour gigs without a break between songs, for three weeks at a time. And how hard can drumming really be? I reckon Lars is faking it. And his shirt’s still buttoned. Inhaling a Wasp: Jan wins.
Oh, how the mistakes of your past catch up with you. The innocence and exuberance of youth can manifest itself in ways we later look back on and shudder with that sinking feeling of “what was I thinking?” But a good mullet outdoes a bad perm/highlight any day. Lars wins (or loses).
Who doesn’t love a bit of adulation? It might seem like Lars has a bigger captive audience here, but I bet Jan passed a hundred thousand fans on his way to the line that day alone. None of them had to pay $150 for the privilege either. Do I even need to mention how badass that jersey is? And who gives their fans the middle finger? Jan wins, and wins big.
Fame and fortune can trump ordinary looks in a heartbeat. And when it comes to stepping out on the red carpet, having a beautiful woman on your arm is mandatory. Both our heroes have done exceptionally well for themselves in the wife stakes, though Jan made sure he had the height advantage. I don’t think Lars will be complaining though. Let’s call it a draw.
We like to party, party! Jan doesn’t mind putting away a few pints in the off season, and when he’s sufficiently lubed, well, sometimes things can get out of hand. I mean, who hasn’t been to Oktoberfest, dressed in ridiculous shorts, puffy shirts and flowery braces, downed a dozen Schofferhofers, dropped a couple of tabs then driven the Porsche into a bike rack? Lars, on the other hand, just couldn’t keep up the pace and ended up in rehab on a diet of chocolate milk shakes… and he couldn’t even keep them down. Rock and Roll my arse. Jan wins.
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Rule #93: No crappy-ass music. Metallica? Ugh. This is a total piss-take, right?
@Ron
@Angling Saxon
I agree. I cant stand them.
@RedRanger
Me neither, but each to their own. As a skater I tried to get into Metallica but it just didn't float my boat just like most heavy metal style music. And the photo of Lars with long hair ain't no mullet. This is a mullet:
That's just Lars with long hair up in the article.
@snoov
I've been waiting for the opportunity to post this photo:
I was living in "the Big Smoke" (aka Toronto) when the SARS outbreak occurred so I also had the good fortune to attend the SARStock concert. The Rolling Stones were the headliners but AC/DC where on stage just before them and put Sir Mick and the boys to shame. It takes a special kind of performer to energize an abandoned airport full of people.
And can we get that photo of Coulter off the site. Screw you @scaler911 for sullying these hallowed grounds with that visage. She is the embodiment of anti-V and I now have to scour the InterWebs for bw photos of classic hardmen suffering on shiny metal steeds to serve as mind bleach...
Or hit the thread that has that ridiculously hot rider from down under perched on a Merckx. Yes, that's what I'll do.
@brett
My last name is Ulrich, I spent most of high school denying that I was related to Lars. I then spent my formative road cycling years being asked if I was related to Jan. I'm sure it didn't help that I would always wear my Telekom kit. Back when phone books and land lines were still a thing, I'd sometimes get calls asking if I was related to Shari Ulrich, I am not. I did cook for her once though when she came into the hotel I was apprenticing at. But I digress.
@DeKerr
I do what I can.........
I'd rather compare the Jans than the Ullrichs.
@Mirko
Janssen had the rare ability to make non-cycling sunglasses look cool on a bike. Other tried and failed, but he succeeded. Pioneer.