It’s funny what goes through your head at 3am when you’re woken by a cat. Especially if that cat’s name is Lars, and he was named after the Metallica drummer (not by me, he’s my VMH’s cat). I prefer to call him Jan though, as Jan has always been my favourite Ullrich. So last night Lars woke me up, and unable to get back to sleep I got to thinking: who really is the most awesome Ullrich, and what kind of battles would Jan and Lars have to fight out to win naming rights for a cat? It’s a complex place, my brain at 3am.
We know that these consumate professionals put maximum effort into their chosen fields of expertise. And that they probably put a lot of substance in, too. Jan was always on the job for much longer than Lars; I’ve never heard of Metallica doing six hour gigs without a break between songs, for three weeks at a time. And how hard can drumming really be? I reckon Lars is faking it. And his shirt’s still buttoned. Inhaling a Wasp: Jan wins.
Oh, how the mistakes of your past catch up with you. The innocence and exuberance of youth can manifest itself in ways we later look back on and shudder with that sinking feeling of “what was I thinking?” But a good mullet outdoes a bad perm/highlight any day. Lars wins (or loses).
Who doesn’t love a bit of adulation? It might seem like Lars has a bigger captive audience here, but I bet Jan passed a hundred thousand fans on his way to the line that day alone. None of them had to pay $150 for the privilege either. Do I even need to mention how badass that jersey is? And who gives their fans the middle finger? Jan wins, and wins big.
Fame and fortune can trump ordinary looks in a heartbeat. And when it comes to stepping out on the red carpet, having a beautiful woman on your arm is mandatory. Both our heroes have done exceptionally well for themselves in the wife stakes, though Jan made sure he had the height advantage. I don’t think Lars will be complaining though. Let’s call it a draw.
We like to party, party! Jan doesn’t mind putting away a few pints in the off season, and when he’s sufficiently lubed, well, sometimes things can get out of hand. I mean, who hasn’t been to Oktoberfest, dressed in ridiculous shorts, puffy shirts and flowery braces, downed a dozen Schofferhofers, dropped a couple of tabs then driven the Porsche into a bike rack? Lars, on the other hand, just couldn’t keep up the pace and ended up in rehab on a diet of chocolate milk shakes… and he couldn’t even keep them down. Rock and Roll my arse. Jan wins.
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@frank No question Stevie Ray was the best!!!
@Cyclops
Me too, AC/DC opened for Johnny Winter in Portland in the 70s. Again, no one had heard of them. Jesus they sucked, their sound was rubbish. Fucking hacks, sorry, they were.
Ah yes, very funny, but if you actually bother to read the actual transcript of Lars' Senate testimony, you might find that he was more concerned about the effect on music industry at large, including the income of large numbers of pele like recording engineers, producers, session guys, retail workers and a whole bunch of others, than he was about his personal wealth.
Depicting James, who has written large numbers of deep and socially significant lyrics throughout his long and stellar career, as a Neanderthal, was a clever propaganda tactic, but hardly fair or accurate.
Whoever posted that link is clearly a sucker for the kind of cheap propaganda war that Napster waged, and still regurgitating the same rubbish a decade later. Meanwhile, music retail has been wiped out, artists are starving, and Lars has been proved to be dead right in every way. Still selling out, every night they play, stadiums and festival headlines.
Its sad that we have this tendency to tear down populaR people. In Australia we call it the "tall poppy syndrome". Don't dare to dream, and if you do, don't dare to succeed.
@Ken Ho
Ah Ken, good to see you again. Didn't know about you trying to kill a truck, good to hear you are on the road to recovery. Good luck with your Jan (1 month pre Tour) problem.
@wiscot Tell me you wouldn't hate-fuck Man Coulter. (that's who that is, right?)
As for the Ulrichs; Metallica died to me at the Black Album and Lars has always been a douche. Jan, mostly a bride's maid but always fun to watch. Can't say I miss those days much though in cycling but then again hindsight is 20/20.
I do get a kick out of the image of Bretto scouring the googles for similar images of the two and then pasting them together at 3 in the morning with a cat on his lap while his VMH was asleep. Soft white glow of computer screen, no shirt, peering over his glasses, ashtray at his side, giggling.That's funny.
@Ken Ho
fuck that. Dave Matthews released "Everyday" on Napster before it was released to the public, and they're still selling out their shows 12 years later (including The Gorge Amphitheater every Labor day, 3 shows), and selling plenty of and making new albums. It was a way for bands with little to no $$ to get heard and tour. The real losers from this were the record companies which took more of the royalties than the bands got. The real money is in touring, which requires the bands to be heard.
(nothing personal Ken).
@Gianni
Merckx bless you, sir, I've always felt the same. A-melodic, harsh yet banal, appealing strongly to the dumbest slice of life, and after their semi-listenable vocalist heroically drank himself to death, he was replaced by a screechy wannabe, slightly more horrendous 'not' Bon Scott. Blechhhhh. 'Big Balls' was the only song I ever liked, and only because it was embarrassingly hilarious to hear for the first time at work in mixed company in the early 80's.
Oh, and yes, Napster led me to music I was happy to purchase after plundering like-tasted libraries and discovering awesome gems. I'm still more than slightly fucking irritated that my Pandora fix was cut off courtesy of licensing agreements. Oh well, I guess I'll simply *not* find and recommend great music that my buddies can then purchase on iTunes (and share with me).
Henry Rollins vs. rolling resistance
@TBONE
Are you saying Janssen didn't look good in it? I think he looked awesome, like the lovechild of Marcel Kittel and an ice block.
@starclimber
I've never been described as the dumbest slice of life before. I'd guess that you're probably about the same age as @gianni and also sport a colostomy bag under your saddle.
If you'd managed to keep up with technology since Napster you'd know you can sample a shit load of music on Spotify and similar without having to hand over any of your cash.