Guest Article: Cyclops VSP
The Velominati Super Prestige has historically been the work of professional bike races. We focus on the Pro races for a simple reason: we know the races and riders, so Schleculating on where our favorite riders will finish becomes a left-brain/right-brain kind of confused mess that ends with our picks looking more Picasso than they do Rembrandt.
With that, we have our first VSP event for a community member’s race as Cyclops subjects himself to your predictions for where he will finish in Saturday’s race. Assuming you don’t know any of the other racers riding in the Allan Butler Memorial Critierium, we’re focussed on only one rider: Cyclops; enter his name into whichever place in the top five you think he’ll finish. Points are awarded as usual, with 5 for first, 4 for second, 3 for third, 2 for fourth, and 1 for fifth, with a point going to anyone who gets him in the top five but not in the right place.
As for any other community members who have a race coming up and are willing to add the pressure of meeting the expectations of our community to that you already have of validating your family’s love by meeting their expectations; send us the details about your event and, depending on the timing, we’ll run a VSP for you as well.
Yours in Cycling,
Frank
—
I guess since I’m the most masochistic (actually I think narcissistic is probably closer to the truth) of the Velominati and enjoy putting myself out there for public berating, Frank thought a Super Prestige with a twist might be in order. This coming July 9th is our local downtown criterium. The Allan Butler Memorial Criterium was started after a local racer was struck and killed by a taxi while crossing the street in Las Vegas at the Interbike show a few years ago.
The Cyclops VSP will consist of merely trying to guess what place I will finish in the event. To help you make a semi-informed guess I’ll give you a little background on me and my racing.
- I’ll be turning 50 years old in early August.
- I started road racing two seasons ago.
- I’m a Cat 5.
- I was really into BMX racing and won the ’96 Idaho State Championship for 31-35 Year Old Cruiser.
- Southeast Idaho is not a huge hotbed for road racing but since I began racing I have always placed at least equal to or higher than the previous race*
- I finished 5th in the last race I entered.
- Last year I finished 13th in my class in the Allan Butler Crit.
- I have been told by a lot of people that I am riding much stronger than I was last year.
- I plan on going off the front right at the beginning of the race.
So there you have it. Good Luck!
*Not counting a DNF at last year’s Boise Twilight Criterium when my rear wheel was hit from behind and had half its spokes ripped out.
Cy, excellent result; off the front, winning the sprint, you can’t get much better than that. And there was nothing to do about the Cat 1 guy, he was going to win one way or the other.
The Kit looks great off the front too! I was next door in Laramie Wyoming for a while and I missed the chance to pick you for the win. Strong work.
@Cyclops
Thanks. As it happens, I’ve got connections here, too. Could pick up a demo at cost. The bigger challenge is the sales pitch on the home front as to why I need another bike. Rule #12 should include some small print about how this formula gets exponentially harder to justify to non-riding family members as n increases.
@Steampunk
Just buy her some shoes.
@Cyclops
Would that it were that easy. No dice.
Keep it in your office at work…
And burn the checking account/credit card statement before she finds it.
Did anyone notice that Cyclops has the same “I’m laying down the V and kicking your asses” SMILE that Horner has? I wish I could smile while I’m laying down the V. That’s just awesomeness.
Again, Cyclops, chapeau!
@Jeff in PetroMetro
Your right! No wonder he has a great future kicking butt – way to go Cyclops, sorry I doubted you even by a little!
@Cyclops
A. FUCKING. PLUS. FUCKING. ONE.
@frank
@Cyclops
is that a fucking bandana on your head?
@mcsqueak
I think it was taken by Leonard Johnson @ Hotfootphoto. Bad crash.
so back from vacation and got to ride McKenzie Pass which is currently closed to cars, only open to peds and bikes. 112K with 1525 meters of climbing. Single best ride I’ve ever done. Period. Thing is I broke the rear shifter the day before, and couldn’t fix it, being in the woods and and the 4th of July and all. Set the rear @ 17 and did it on a single speed. In 20+ years of riding, I’ve never broken one even after crashing. Anyone else? It’s a SRAM.
Nice job Cyclops, Btw. Podium is always awesome.
@scaler911
indeed
@RedRanger
SRAM has been very cool about getting it fixed (replaced), and claim it’s never happened before. You’ve heard of it? My 15ish y/o Dura Ace, on my we weather bike, still works like the day I bought it. And to be quite frank, I abuse the shit out of it.
@scaler911
never heard of the problem but everything I have read leads me to believe that SRAM products are not the best made but they indeed have awesome service and will bend over backwards to fix your stuff. take that for what it is. I hate to say it around here but I really dig Shimano. The old Dura Ace 9 speed shifters I mounted a couple of weeks ago are the tits(as Frank would say) and the look good to!
@RedRanger
I kinda feel the same way (tho my old C-record Campa was very bomb). My new plastic bike came outfitted with SRAM, and I liked how it worked when I first got it. Usually I dig utilitarian bikes and drivetrains (I used to take all the manufactures decals off my bikes), and SRAM is that way. But this is the second problem I’ve had with it. Might have to ‘sell and buy’. Probably do it in the winter, when shit’s less bank account draining.
@scaler911
I had my rear shifter break over the winter. Went to double click to downshift and went, “click, cli-thunk”, a little plastic piece inside had snapped off. Took it to the LBS, they warrantied it, no questions asked. All the pieces inside are supposed to be replaceable, but apparently, SRAM is having trouble keeping up with manufacturing, so the replacement parts aren’t available. As such, they just warranty everything that breaks.
@Marcus
Umm, yes?
@Jeff in PetroMetro
Yeah, the dude in the Yellow Princesses said “You’re smiling and I’m at the limit, what’s up with that?” Usually when I’m climbing I put the Ullrich look on but as I’ve told Frank in the past the faster the pace the bigger the smile.
Oh man! I just noticed I’ve been upgraded to a bitchin’ Velominati jersey. Nice. Thonks, Fronk.
@scaler911
Not sure about that, but I’ve heard loads of complaints about SRAM bits breaking. Not sure about your specific breakage.
@Cyclops
+++eleventy-bazillion
That has got to be the most discouraging thing you can do to another racer. YOU.ROCK.
@frank
@Cyclops
I coulda sworn there was a rule prohibiting bandanas – unless of course your name begins with “il” and finishes with “elephantino
@Marcus
You’re thinking goatee not bandana…
That is why I am clean shaven now.
@Cyclops
Isn’t that dude your teammate?
Addition to the Lexicon? The verb TO CYCLOPS
To Cyclops: To smile while laying down the V. (This, of course, confuses and ultimately crushes the will of all the other members of the peloton and leads to a podium finish.)
Example: Horner cycloped throughout the entire Tour of California.
@Nate
Kind of, but not really. We just have a cycling club in our town. We’re not a team per se. In fact I’ve only been able to get them to ride as a team in one race. I would like to say that the guy in the Yellow Princesses is the nicest guy you would ever want to meet. He usually hands my ass to me but he’s pretty humble and always has nothing but good things to say about me and my riding. The really cool thing he used to be the county prosecutor and now he’s a district judge. That’ll be my ace in the hole when I get brought up on murder charges for taking care of the sandbagger. He also just got back from doing an Iron Man Triathlon in France. He said that riding in France was awesome.
@Cyclops
Then i respectfully suggest there should be a new rule. Bandanas are for pirates and biker gangs
@Marcus
Cyclops’ club is a pirate biker gang. On bicycles.
@Marcus, @Cyclops
I’m inclined to side with @Marcus on this one. Bandanas are cool when you’re climbing like an angel in the alps with an unhelmeted head. If you need to keep something over your skull to keep your bald head from burning, that’s what Merckx invented cycling caps for.
Not sure if it merrits a Rule, but it very well could. Might also be an addendum to Rule #22.
@frank @Marcus
It’s not a bandana, it’s a V-Juice recycling accoutrement. It collects all the V that squeezes out of me head when I’m Cyclopsing. Then I ship the squeezin’s to France and they water the flower along the Tour routes with it.
With Cyclops V-Squeezin’s
Without
@Cyclops
Doing your new jersey proud. No curse of the +1 jersey here.
@Jeff in PetroMetro
I think it would have to be To Horner. Cyclops is looking PRO, but Horner *is* PRO.
@Cyclops
Those flowers sure are nice, but what happens if you just wring it back out into your mouth?
@scaler911
Hah, thanks for the photog’s name. Yeah there were some bad ones at that crit, for sure.
Why is McKenzie pass closed to cars right now? Do they do that every year?
@Collin
To Horner: To suffer a debilitating concussion, then ride the final 25 kilometers of a stage in the Tour de France without the slightest awareness of what you are doing or where you are.
@Jeff in PetroMetro
hehe fun with tenses:
Cyclopsed: the greater demoralisation that occurs asCyclops spins away from you grinning,
Cyclobbered – being lapped in a crip by the cyclopsee.
Oops I meant Cyclopser
@mcsqueak
Only in the middle of winter actually. This year tho (as evidenced by the shit rain outside right now (it is the middle of July right?)) they had over 20ft of snow (sorry, 6.1m) at the top. By the time ODOT could even get up there, it was ‘spring heavy’ and they could only get one lane through for their use. They kept the gates shut to cars, open to bikes and peds. Absolutely fantastic. They had freshly paved it a couple years ago. Bliss, even with only one gear working.
I had a question: I ran across “Sabotaging the Saboteur’ (frackin’ crazy Frank!!), and someones GOT to point me towards more stuff where I can read comments from adrian? Jezzus, comedy gold right there.
@Cyclops
@Jeff in PetroMetro
What about Cyclopphilia (double P intended): when an post about a club race generates over 140 comments!
@Marcus
Cycloprolixity?
@G’phant
cycloprofundity – wise words from a Cyclops.
cycloprofanity – Cyclops’ invective towards Cat 1 Sandbaggers.
cyclopro bono – when Cyclops spends too long on the front of a breakaway being “all pro and shit”.
cycloprolapse – the inevitable fall that will occur from Cyclops losing control of his bike after getting fatigued from spending too much time on the front looking “all pro and shit”.
CycloPro – an impossible oxymoron (yes, that is a tautology)
@Marcus
Very good.
Cycloperplexity – the confusion of an Adrian or Ernesto puzzling their way through these posts
Cycloperspective – the attitude which, if adopted, would alleviate the Adrinesto’s cycloperplexity
Cyclopedia/n – Big brain on a bike.
Cyclopriapity: persistent state of Carbone subsequent to Cyclops victory next year on the LOOK.
@scaler911
I think that’s Adrian best and only work, although there might be something in The Rules…if you dare sift through all those posts!
We just had a mention on Eurosport
Cyclogasm – what will happen when I get my first win.
Cycloserverdown: what happens to a private cycling blog when mentioned on a Eurosport world-wide broadcast of the TdF.