Velominati Super Prestige: Tour de France Stage 17

Jens the Barbarian descends on a loaner bike with toe clips; Photo: Fyxomatosis

At one point [Conan the Barbarian], and his other old warrior friends capture this village, but then they find that they are surrounded by an army of tens of thousands, and his only reaction is, “Oh man, it’s going to take days to kill all these people!” – Jens Voigt

This (paraphrased) passage from Terry Pratchett’s parody of the famous character helped Jens struggle through a stage that would have seen weaker men climb into the broom wagon. But struggle through he did, and he should swing his leg over the top tube of his (own) bike again at the start line of Stage 17.

I look at this photo and realize that I’m a sick man. I see his blood-soaked clothes and body, and the first thing I say to myself is, “How did he get his Speedplay cleats to stay in those old pedals? And check out those sweet old Campy Chorus alu Ergos! I’ve been looking for a pair of those!”

But I digress. The inaugural Velominati Super Prestige launches it’s third VSP Sub-Competition with Stage 17 of the Tour de France. The competition will allow contestants the opportunity to win bonus points in the VSP Tour de France by choosing the top three finishers of the stage for a chance to win 3 points for first place, 2 for second, and 1 for third.

Stage 17 should prove to be the most decisive stage of the race, providing Brother Grimpeur the Younger his final legitimate opportunity to win this Tour de France while – in theory at least – Bertie YouTube needs to do little more than defend his position to be almost assured of taking his third crown. Schleck said during the rest day that the first man to reach La Mongie atop the Tourmalet will win this Tour; will Grimpito set off the Guns of Navarone and take enough time in order to stave off the inevitable surge from Contador in the final time trial on Saturday? Or will the Climbing Paella launch a surprise attack to prove he is the strongest climber in this years Tour, taking time out of Schleck before the time trial?

Make your picks for the top three of the day by the time tomorrow’s stage starts, regular VSP Rules apply. Good luck!

frank

The founder of Velominati and curator of The Rules, Frank was born in the Dutch colonies of Minnesota. His boundless physical talents are carefully canceled out by his equally boundless enthusiasm for drinking. Coffee, beer, wine, if it’s in a container, he will enjoy it, a lot of it. He currently lives in Seattle. He loves riding in the rain and scheduling visits with the Man with the Hammer just to be reminded of the privilege it is to feel completely depleted. He holds down a technology job the description of which no-one really understands and his interests outside of Cycling and drinking are Cycling and drinking. As devoted aesthete, the only thing more important to him than riding a bike well is looking good doing it. Frank is co-author along with the other Keepers of the Cog of the popular book, The Rules, The Way of the Cycling Disciple and also writes a monthly column for the magazine, Cyclist. He is also currently working on the first follow-up to The Rules, tentatively entitled The Hardmen. Email him directly at rouleur@velominati.com.

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Joshua says:

Jul 21 2010 at 9:47 pm

My picks are:
1. Jens
2. Jens
3. Jens

I will accept no points for these picks because, well, Jens.
Geof says:

Jul 21 2010 at 9:55 pm

"Grimplet"! Love it.

Likewise "YouTube".

Also "GivesitHell". Have been looking for an alternative to "Hesjedal" because, to those of us in the Antipodes, "Hesjedal" sounds far too much like the way a stout matronly blue-rinsed West Sydney fishwife would approvingly (and possibly lustfully) say "He's a darl", and I don't want to think of Ryder as "darl". (Marcus / Brett - leap in here if I am being overly sensitive to Strine.)
Geof says:

Jul 21 2010 at 9:56 pm

@Joshua
A++1
Velomihottie says:

Jul 21 2010 at 10:12 pm

Jens' latest contribution. The genius controls the chaos!

@Joshua
That's gold!
Nathan Edwards says:

Jul 22 2010 at 12:46 am

@frank Oh how we dream for such a result
Joe says:

Jul 22 2010 at 2:21 am

Bah...I'm shamelessly going for the points here:

1.Bring out the Grimp (hopefully he's not sleeping)
2.C-Odor
3. Denis The Mensch

Grimp will beat Bertie by just under a minute, Bertie will stick a minute and a half on him in the TT, win by a hair and get booed all the way to Paris.
Marko says:

Jul 22 2010 at 5:07 am

@Joe
Let's put 'im in Russel's old room.

1.Grimpito
2.Gesink
3.Sans-chez
ben says:

Jul 22 2010 at 5:47 am

I know I'm too late, but:

1. Grimpito
2. JENS! on your MOMS! bike
3. Nick Roche powered by Non Gadret's still-beating heart, which he plucked from his chest while chanting KAH-LI-MAH, and promptly ate with a nice chianti.

And for a bonus point: Grimpito celebrates with two CATS!-like claw scrapes to the sky followed by jazz hands.
Cyclops says:

Jul 22 2010 at 8:16 am

Question, does the road get Jensrash when he crashes?
Cyclops says:

Jul 22 2010 at 8:27 am

Contador and Schleck are going 29 kph UPHILL!