Velominati Super Prestige: Tour de Suisse 2012

Andy Hampsten becomes the first North American to win a National Tour at the Tour de Suisse.

This is an exciting time of year. The Giro is in the books, the Tour is firmly in everyone’s sights, and those of us with the vaguest idea of how the big race will unfold are prognosticating the loudest as we use races that are proven to reveal fuck-all about what will happen at the Tour to predict what will happen at the Tour.

With the Dauphiné underway we look to the start of the Tour de Suisse to peer deeper into the murk to see who is riding well. As far as I’m concerned, I might as well lay out all the rider’s names in a random pattern and blow snot-rockets at the floor to make my picks this year because I honestly haven’t the foggiest idea who will take it; the biggest race of the year is spinning up to be the biggest enigma of the year.

All this babbling serves to demonstrate another important point, and the reason why the Dauphiné wasn’t in the VSP: these stage races are little more than preparation races for the big names, and a chance for the smaller one’s to take center stage. So why did the Tour de Suisse get a VSP while the Dauphiné didn’t? For starters, the latter feels less like a dress rehearsal for the Tour, but mostly its because there is a mountain pass that has cobbles all the way up it in Switzerland (though I’m not sure if they’re riding it this year). How cool is that? I can get on board with any country who values labor costs little enough to pave an entire mountain road one cobble at a time. Yes, we’re that scientific here in the Velominati Boardroom.

When this race is over, we’ll have even less of a clue as to who will win in July (well, everyone except @Marcus, who needs neither evidence nor results in order to be sure Cuddles will win) and we’ll be able to distract ourselves with the various National Championships which will take place in the week leading up the Tour’s start and guessing wether Bruyneel has the nerve to cut either or both Schlecks from his Tour team.

So, dust off your monkey’s bones and 12-sided die, time to make your predictions for the 2012 Tour de Suisse. Check the Tour de Suisse site for the latest route and roster info and remember that since this is a stage race, (not a Grand Tour), points on offer are 10 for first place, 8 for second, 7 for third, 5 for fourth, and 3 for fifth – all based on the final General Classification; plus two bonus points per rider in the top five regardless of the rider’s placing. Get your picks in by the time the countdown clock goes to zero, and pray for an intervention. Make sure you check the mappings of your picks before the race ends so you get the points you deserve, and use the dispute mechanism to alert us of any issues. Note that the dispute mechanism is the official means by which to raise concerns about your picks; questions about your mappings or disputes raised in the posts will be largely ignored.

Good luck.

frank

The founder of Velominati and curator of The Rules, Frank was born in the Dutch colonies of Minnesota. His boundless physical talents are carefully canceled out by his equally boundless enthusiasm for drinking. Coffee, beer, wine, if it’s in a container, he will enjoy it, a lot of it. He currently lives in Seattle. He loves riding in the rain and scheduling visits with the Man with the Hammer just to be reminded of the privilege it is to feel completely depleted. He holds down a technology job the description of which no-one really understands and his interests outside of Cycling and drinking are Cycling and drinking. As devoted aesthete, the only thing more important to him than riding a bike well is looking good doing it. Frank is co-author along with the other Keepers of the Cog of the popular book, The Rules, The Way of the Cycling Disciple and also writes a monthly column for the magazine, Cyclist. He is also currently working on the first follow-up to The Rules, tentatively entitled The Hardmen. Email him directly at rouleur@velominati.com.

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View Comments

G'phant says:

Jun 14 2012 at 12:58 pm

@frank

@snoov

As probably the biggest fan of Gimplette around, I think its easy for us to judge from our armchairs riders who go through more suffering even as the lowest-level pro than we can rightly imagine.

But judging is kind of like our specialty, so we're bound to stick to our comfort zones.

We probably misjudged him, but we misjudge any of these guys when we call them pussies. So long as the jabbing is all good humored and fun, which its been as far as I can tell, i wouldn't go over-thinking it too much.

Though I'm certainly not seeing Andy go to these lengths to stay in a race:

To be fair, it must be kinda hard to tie an inner tube to your sacrum...
brett says:

Jun 14 2012 at 1:20 pm

@G'phant

It's really not that hard... but be careful, you might experience what Frank did over at the Reverence article...
minion says:

Jun 14 2012 at 6:26 pm

@harminator

@minion

Don't try to spin it like you wanted points. You're lantern rouge attempt is blown.

You're even shit at being shit.

Ahem, let me say that again,
ten B says:

Jun 15 2012 at 12:52 am

@harminator

@frank

Harmon is answering a question from a viewer, who asked if you can tell the nationality of a rider.

They say you can't, of course, which is almost true. The only nationality you can recognize are the Aussies, because they're the ones riding wheels!

BOOM! That's right! I said it, @Marcus!

Not true! You can also tell the Dutch. They're the ones crying because they haven't won a jersey at a grand tour since the 80"²s

Great. Now I have to clean the coffee spray off of my new iPad.
Monkeyscat says:

Jun 15 2012 at 6:05 am

@harminator Your comment about the Dutch and their non-winning prowess got me to thinking about the French and their lack of recent tour wins. So I got an idea to help em. If the Tour de France were to be ridden backwards, stage 21 to 1 in retreat fashion, I would bet that they would win every stage from now until the end of time.
frank says:

Jun 15 2012 at 6:12 am

"...And this, folks, is the angle that your cranks should be positioned at."
frank says:

Jun 15 2012 at 7:00 am

@Monkeyscat

@harminator Your comment about the Dutch and their non-winning prowess got me to thinking about the French and their lack of recent tour wins. So I got an idea to help em. If the Tour de France were to be ridden backwards, stage 21 to 1 in retreat fashion, I would bet that they would win every stage from now until the end of time.

I loves me some good nationalistic bashing. Especially the more unreasonable it is. Carry on.

@harminator

@frank

Harmon is answering a question from a viewer, who asked if you can tell the nationality of a rider.

They say you can't, of course, which is almost true. The only nationality you can recognize are the Aussies, because they're the ones riding wheels!

BOOM! That's right! I said it, @Marcus!

Not true! You can also tell the Dutch. They're the ones crying because they haven't won a jersey at a grand tour since the 80"²s

Patently untrue. We're the ones making justifications and generally mismanaging talent because we haven't won a jersey at a grand tour since the 80's.
ChrisO says:

Jun 15 2012 at 7:12 am

@frank

Which leads me to mention that the wild forest-boy in Germany has turned out not to be feral and uncivilised, just Dutch.
Monkeyscat says:

Jun 15 2012 at 7:50 am

To quote Nigle Powers, "There's only two things I hate in this world. People who are intolerant of other people's cultures and the Dutch".
Nate says:

Jun 15 2012 at 9:45 am

@harminator

@frank

Harmon is answering a question from a viewer, who asked if you can tell the nationality of a rider.

They say you can't, of course, which is almost true. The only nationality you can recognize are the Aussies, because they're the ones riding wheels!

BOOM! That's right! I said it, @Marcus!

Not true! You can also tell the Dutch. They're the ones crying because they haven't won a jersey at a grand tour since the 80"²s

Who knew there was a Curse of Hennie Kuiper?